Kaim Matsura

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Sun May 04, 2014 7:34 pm

Hello :)I'm new to this kind of thing so feel free to fling criticism at me. For reference I have completed KS, though from what I understand that isn't essential anyway.

NAME: Kaim Mastura (usually just called Kai is it flows better on tongue)

AGE: 17

CLASS: Junior

APPEARANCE: Tall and slim (at 6ft), he has the build of a stereotypical fighter. Pale skin and thin lips, as he rarely talks. He has multiple scars across his body, a mixture of surgery and rougher fighting scars, though they mostly cover his upper body, arms and legs. His face, neck and feet are absent of scars. His eyes look almost lifeless/glassy in public. His muscle is densely knotted very tightly from a lot of use. He wears generally chinese style shirts and isn't afraid to show the scars on his arms and blue or black jeans for his lower half. He wears a dark blue greatcoat as outside wear (think RAF airforce great coat, made famous by Captain Jack in Doctor Who/Torchwood). He also has trademark long dark red hair which is braided partially at the back, which is naturally black. He dyes it a bright red with permanent hair dye, so it goes that colour. His hands are not noticeably prosthetic as they have a silicone outside similar to human skin with a colour to match his, though close inspection would show otherwise. His hands are when possible in his pockets of his jeans or coat.

Face close-up (as my profile image is narrow and large):
Spoiler:

BACKSTORY:
Early life:
He was birthed from a standard family in the UK, as his parents moved there for job opportunities from Japan 5 years before his birth. His parents do standard office jobs of no interest, but do what they can to get by. His parents cared for him dearly as their only child, hoping he was going have a nourishing life even as a foreigner. As a kid Kaim was quiet and he liked his parents, but was not a fan of their doting of him. He preferred to be on his own reading a book or listening to music.

His childhood in primary school was standard with average level of learning, however he was often picked on for being foreign. He had made some friendships in this time with other boys, but these disappeared when he left the school. Kaim was picked on for being Asian for the majority of his school time though, which had him leave the school on a bitter note. He always pondered to himself why kids picked on him for what he is. Otherwise though nothing extraordinary happened in his early childhood.
early secondary education:

His secondary school education was a much worse experience. The first two years he coasted, making friends Patrick Leak and Stanley Archer, keeping most of his social life in school or home, reading. However Stanley started bringing Kaim out into the streets with Stanley's friends, a gang who called themselves 'The 808', where he got involved in 'thug life'. He found himself fighting on the streets a lot to prove himself to be one of them and not just a foreigner, for which he was scolded a lot. Usually he was known as a 'dirty Jap' and received similar bullying to what Germans suffer about losing the WWII. He largely ignored it, hoping that it it all flew over and be gone after time. He was known to have times hit a limit though and beat someone up for it, though fights were commonplace on the streets so this was not seen as a special case and therefore not investigated further.

In his usual years at he was at ju-jitsu class after school or fighting on the streets with other gangs. His parents never questioned his fighting injuries as he would always use ju-jitsu as an excuse for them. His parents never followed it as they knew he did not like talking about himself, as he always acted distanced to them. Its not that he hated his parents, he just had an incompatible personality to them.
His ju-jitsu class was an activity he started through some simple recruitment to the school when they were looking for members. While he half wanted to go himself, he was also pressured into it, as his schoolmates thought as a japanese he should do japanese activities. His ju-jitsu career at secondary school was successful by earning up to 1st dan black belt by the time he left school. He trained 5 days a week at school days.
The girl that changed him:

At 15 he met a girl called Alyssa. She was in the same year as him in the neighbouring class and a good chunk shorter. Unlike him, a quiet boy who kept to himself, she was bashful and open. While at first repulsed with how she constantly approached him to be friends, but  he warmed up to her over time. It took a surprisingly short time for them to then be going out, but it was partially experimental for both as they were both new to it all. At first they simply went on dates where she talked for ages on end and he listened quietly with small facial expressions to react, sometimes giving a small quip in response. She explained to him that she wanted to become close to him because his lonely eyes made her feel sad and that she had never seen someone so lonely in her life. She also went on explaining how she found him physically attractive, which made him blush and turn away.

Kaim still continued his ju-jitsu, Alyssa often meeting him when he was finished and they walked to his house where they stayed and enjoy their company together. While he felt his private time was robbed from him, he didn't mind as he enjoyed her company. His parents were happy for him, though did a typical parental remark of "I still can't believe a guy like him got a girl like her, he's so lucky to have her.". Alyssa's parents were no different in that respect.

At 6 months after they had met, he had sex with her. As one would expect, it was awkward as any first time. However they came to enjoy it and do it a few times per week usually at his in replacement of some of the time they spent in general chat. It was for both of them an embarrassing topic though so they never discussed it in public, except confirmations that they had sex. Since then they acted flirtatiously with one another in public, such as kissing their cheek from behind them or close hugs.
When everything goes wrong:

Due to the time spent with his girlfriend, Kaim completely neglected the gang. He found there was no need of them in his life. The 808 gang however became envious of him, with how a foreigner like him managed to land a girl. Stanley especially was jealous of him, seeing their activities in public. Stanley had spread vicious rumours about how he was abusive to his girlfriend or that he bribed her for sex. While seeming ridiculous at first, the rumours would catch momentum and carry through the school. At one point a large kid approached Alyssa in the middle of public and sexually assault her, telling her how he would pay her and rape her like the rumours suggested. However before it got to any dangerous level Kaim came in from behind and viciously kicked the side of his knee and put him in a ju-jitsu lock to the ground, saying if anyone touched her like that he was going to make them feel endless pain.
While Kaim hoped by going slightly overboard he hoped to have repelled any future attempts, it led to the complete opposite. The other gang members, who felt disgraced, planed revenge on him by attacking him while he was with Alyssa.
While walking home from ju-jitsu with Alyssa on a Wednesday, they went their usual way through an alleyway for a shortcut. It was at this point that the gang came out with knives, including Stanley. Alyssa screamed but couldn't move, paralysed in fear. Kaim tried to protect her, but was busy being attacked. While he managed to take down several of the assailants, he was slashed multiple times all over from all the knives and makeshift weapons such as wooden baseball bats and broken bottles. This brutality went on until a community support officer while passing the street spotted them, at which point the gang ran away. Alyssa was unconscious and Kaim was covered in blood. They were both sent to the hospital as soon as possible.

Kaim somehow survived the ordeal, most of the cuts were shallow and the deep ones did't hit any major arteries. However multiple nerves were hit so his sense of touch became dull through a lot of his body. His hands though had to be amputated as they were very badly damaged. His parents spent the savings they made for his son to go to university on prosthetic hands on a company called CyberHeart, a revolutionary company which worked on cybernetic parts. His hands seemed almost life like, except they didn't have a a fully human sense of touch. They would need checking they worked every day to make sure they worked, however ideally he would use them like normal hands, though ones that didn't bleed. They also look a bit different in skin colour, as such out of place at close inspection.
However someone was not so lucky. He found his girlfriend on their deathbed from their injuries. the cuts on her had hit her Carotid artery, which left her dead. He cried for multiple hours where she laid with Alyssa's parents, equally sorrowful over them.
The pain of loss:

He didn't come to school for a month, in depression over what he felt was his fault and how he had brought it on her. After a month he regained enough courage to go back to school. For the remaining time at school though, he remained in counselling after every day, as his parents hoped that with it he could cope with his pain.
The school however clearly did not want him back. Teachers acted awkward around him, not sure what to say. Nearly all the children shunned him either out of hate for what he caused to Alyssa or simply unsure how to approach him. The gang and larger kids beat him for being a weakling for not protecting his woman. Sometimes he took it all in an attempt to serve his crimes, but over time he grew sick of it and fought back. Partially fuelled by grief and emotion, he had broken several bones of other students and at one point near killed someone by throwing them (accidentally) out of a window. He snapped when someone abused him by taunts and punching him, so Kaim threw him across the room, but forgot the window was there as he was blinded by his rage. After time though he grew even more depressed seeing the damage he caused them in those fits of rage.
To Japan!:

For his safety his family sent him to his fathers grandparents (Oda & Soyogi Matsura) in Kakuda, Miyagi. They were very traditional japanese, who while they loved him as their grandson, hated his western mannerisms which they swore to teach out of him. For a year between the ages of 16-17 he was be home-schooled in Japanese learning (backed up with his western one) and the Japanese way of life. For the most part, Kaim being a quiet person in general, this was not too hard for him. He always spoke Japanese to his parents and studied time to time Japanese while in England so he never fell short in his speech or writing to a greater extent. His grandparents never liked though how he always carried a book with him (Druss the Legend by David Gemmell), but Kaim insists he has it, his only link he has left of his late girlfriend.
However Kaim found being at home with only his painful memories to keep him company too painful. He received no counselling while in Japan and in his nights he was often plagued with nightmares where he would see Alyssa happy, only to have that happiness destroyed. It brought him to the level of self harm, sometimes cutting himself with shallow cuts across his body, accompanying the ones he received in fights and hospital.
Kaim requested his grandparents at 17 for him to go to school, in hope that when not with his family that his memories would meet him less. He felt that he needed something to bring him out of his past and thought being a new environment he could maybe forget it all. As such his grandparents had him move to Yamaku as it was not too far to where they live and they felt it was a good place for him to go.
PERSONALITY: Kaim is a person that hides his true feelings behind an emotionless mask. With his mask on, Kaim is cold and uncaring. He is straight to the point and very cynical. He almost never smiles and in those very few times when he actually smiles, his smiles are like a twitch of the lips than an actual smile. His eyes are lifeless, which discourages people to talk to him. He puts little effort in lessons, but will study away when he has time to himself, though it is usually from an absence of anything else to take up his time. He occasionally makes cynical remarks about his life or surroundings to himself.

Kaim only let go of his mask when he's near the persons he can absolutely trust. With his mask off, Kaim is actually a very passionate person. He's loyal to his friends and will do everything to help his friends. The reason why Kaim has to keep his mask on is because he has become very distrusting due to his past and wishes to not to be hurt the same way he was before.

When alone (especially at night) he has nightmares about the past and his wrongdoings from his anxiety he developed due to the trauma. However at certain times when especially stressed, he may have an panic attack of it during the day, where the surroundings he perceives alter to his memories of England. While he no longer self harms except at times of great distress, he still treats himself very harshly.

He has a habit of keeping his hands in his pockets when he is not using them. He grew this habit as looking at his hands reminds him how he has hurt people and he tries to push out those memories. While his sense of touch is not of a full human sort, what he does have artificially is amplified by his real life experience, his memories almost replacing his physical feeling.

The only thing he at the moment can release his tensions from are from physical exercise, involving general strength training or hitting punching bags. This and his fighting past has led him with levels of physical strength and stamina. He feels more secure when he does so, telling himself he is not weak and can protect people.

His choice of music is Hardcore and he often listens to it with in-ear headphones while he is walking.  He also nearly always listens to it while exercising, as the regular helps him keep a pace while working.

While he enjoys using fire poi (think a ball on a chain which is on fire in each hand) and staff, he rarely displays it in public, as he feels shy about his potential and thinks that he is sub-par in his skills. He also does not trust his prosthetic hands to handle them well, as he practised with them while he still had real hands.


Last edited by Kaim Matsura on Wed May 07, 2014 6:59 am; edited 3 times in total
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by LQ-84i on Sun May 04, 2014 10:22 pm

There are some grammatical errors that impede proper reading of the profile before I could even begin the rest. For instance "dense knotted" doesn't make sense whilst understood to be "densely knotted." which even then I am unsure of what is meant. Unless you type of Lymph Nodes and tense muscles as a symptom of his scarring. Furthermore, " Pale at a western level skin and thin lips, being a mouth that is not used often." is just not well written. Eastern asiatic peoples are pale and at times can have the same pigmentation as a caucasian europeans or north americans. If his mouth is not used often - does he then not eat? Speak?

We have told members before that the school doesn't accept students that have mental disabilities and you stated the main cause as being "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder". I implore you to make the subject more about the scarring. As it stands I read the subject being the disorder and that will not pass here. As a tip, rewrite the sentence making the details about the scarring become the prominent feature being elaborated upon and have the disorder come as an afterthought. I would also mention that we would like the profile template to remain as is and if you wish to add the bits about his hobbies, please do so at the end, whether in personality or as an aside. The disability should be part of the backstory and not as a stand-alone subheading.


For the backstory, there's much to be done in order to better understand where the character is coming from. Such as what his early childhood was like, his relationship with his parents as well as his grandparents as they come later, how he behaved whilst he was being raised; what his dreams and aspirations were growing up, how they changed over time and his relationships with his friends in more detail. How he came to be introduced to jiu-jitsu is not explained well if at all and it comes up several times in the backstory, more details here are required. Since the effects of racism are one of the key points about his character, it would be interesting to see how events in his life helped shape his view about his being foreign and others treatment of him in more detail. As well as how he came to know Alyssa as she is the catalyst for his downward spiral that brought him to this school.

In the last section, personality, there again are some errors that have been abundant throughout the profile as a whole. "mask's" where it is understood as mask for instance being the one I'd point out. There are a few parenthetical statements that would better be adapted as part of a sentence than dividing them in parenthesis. I used to do that myself, thus I'd know how to replace them now. Just adapt the part you wish to add in to the sentence. "The gang being displeased with being disrespected by a foreigner and left to hang, decided to they would take revenge and ruin what he loved most in his life..." being a sample of how one could rewrite the sentence.

It comes with this admin's full recommendation that you use the guide we have for character building as it should prove useful to you right now. It covers all we want from a profile. Simply click here to get sent to it now.


Last edited by SilentFox on Sun May 04, 2014 10:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
avatar
LQ-84i
Admin

Posts : 268
Reputation : 15
Join date : 2013-01-21
Age : 23
Location : Miami, Florida, The United States of America

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Sun May 04, 2014 10:28 pm

Thanks for all the feedback Smile I'll get to working on it right away.

Yeah I was working off that guide, but clearly not enough *chuckle*
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Mon May 05, 2014 12:29 am

Right, its past midnight where I am. I need sleep.
I've added detail to just about everything, though errors may still be present. Again feel free to fling mud at me for getting stuff wrong.
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Subverse on Mon May 05, 2014 3:08 am

I didn't see the original profile - I was at work - but the detail seems in order. I'd say that you'd need to write a little more on him coping with the loss of someone he, presumably, loved. If they were as close as they seem I'd imagine long-term depression (serious depression, not only a month) would feature heavily, possibly even counselling. When coupled with the fact that he blames himself, I'd actually say counselling is more than likely, but that's just me. Maybe I think too little of a human's ability to adjust.

Other than that... it needs proofreading. Twice. The conditional tense is used far too often and incorrectly (if you didn't know, conditional tense is "I would like", or "he would..." etc.). It really sticks out and you don't want people associating this profile with something that was difficult to understand. I know it sounds petty but it makes a massive difference to people's desire to roleplay with you.
avatar
Subverse

Posts : 157
Reputation : 14
Join date : 2013-09-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Mon May 05, 2014 5:40 am

OK Smile I'll work on that then. Thanks for pointing it out.
Time for a chilled cider and the power of ctrl+f! Very Happy
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Mon May 05, 2014 10:48 am

One chilled Kopparberg and a lot of replacing would's and changing stuff around later, I think I'm done Smile
I've added more mostly on how the event has haunted him since and made it part of his life, though not so obstructive that he can't go to school normally. Having an anxiety attack in the middle of the day is a special rare case.
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Subverse on Tue May 06, 2014 3:02 am

Reads much better, and I like the additions. You have my approval.
avatar
Subverse

Posts : 157
Reputation : 14
Join date : 2013-09-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Tue May 06, 2014 7:29 am

Thank you :)now just need to wait for a second approval if all goes right.
I assume that also the mods will after approval change my user colour for the relevant year no?
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Subverse on Tue May 06, 2014 3:08 pm

They will indeed.
avatar
Subverse

Posts : 157
Reputation : 14
Join date : 2013-09-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by LQ-84i on Wed May 07, 2014 5:16 am

There are a few flaws I still find with the profile myself both major and minor. The second instance of "mask's" is still there. Minor. The major one and the fault most impeding progress is the part about accidentally throwing someone out a window. There would want some explanation about the events and the outcome thereof as the entire ordeal sounds quite grave for a student to be involved in. In the same sentence you write "He had broken bones". I understand it as others bones but even though I could, it doesn't read well. It could also be read as if he broke bones of his own. Please rewrite it in a way that it is understood to be to do about others.
avatar
LQ-84i
Admin

Posts : 268
Reputation : 15
Join date : 2013-01-21
Age : 23
Location : Miami, Florida, The United States of America

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Wed May 07, 2014 6:33 am

*goes to edit that*
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Kaim Matsura on Wed May 07, 2014 7:00 am

There we go, sorted those edits out.
avatar
Kaim Matsura

Posts : 164
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2014-05-04
Age : 20
Location : UK (in real life, also a year older in RL)

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by LQ-84i on Wed May 07, 2014 6:41 pm

You have the approval you seek. May you do us well by maintaining a respectable standard of roleplaying here. Welcome. 2/2.
avatar
LQ-84i
Admin

Posts : 268
Reputation : 15
Join date : 2013-01-21
Age : 23
Location : Miami, Florida, The United States of America

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Kaim Matsura

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum