Kaim Matsura

Hello :)I'm new to this kind of thing so feel free to fling criticism at me. For reference I have completed KS, though from what I understand that isn't essential anyway.

NAME: Kaim Mastura (usually just called Kai is it flows better on tongue)

AGE: 17

CLASS: Junior

APPEARANCE: Tall and slim (at 6ft), he has the build of a stereotypical fighter. Pale skin and thin lips, as he rarely talks. He has multiple scars across his body, a mixture of surgery and rougher fighting scars, though they mostly cover his upper body, arms and legs. His face, neck and feet are absent of scars. His eyes look almost lifeless/glassy in public. His muscle is densely knotted very tightly from a lot of use. He wears generally chinese style shirts and isn't afraid to show the scars on his arms and blue or black jeans for his lower half. He wears a dark blue greatcoat as outside wear (think RAF airforce great coat, made famous by Captain Jack in Doctor Who/Torchwood). He also has trademark long dark red hair which is braided partially at the back, which is naturally black. He dyes it a bright red with permanent hair dye, so it goes that colour. His hands are not noticeably prosthetic as they have a silicone outside similar to human skin with a colour to match his, though close inspection would show otherwise. His hands are when possible in his pockets of his jeans or coat.

Face close-up (as my profile image is narrow and large):

Spoiler:

BACKSTORY:

Early life:

early secondary education:

The girl that changed him:

When everything goes wrong:

The pain of loss:

To Japan!:

PERSONALITY: Kaim is a person that hides his true feelings behind an emotionless mask. With his mask on, Kaim is cold and uncaring. He is straight to the point and very cynical. He almost never smiles and in those very few times when he actually smiles, his smiles are like a twitch of the lips than an actual smile. His eyes are lifeless, which discourages people to talk to him. He puts little effort in lessons, but will study away when he has time to himself, though it is usually from an absence of anything else to take up his time. He occasionally makes cynical remarks about his life or surroundings to himself.

Kaim only let go of his mask when he's near the persons he can absolutely trust. With his mask off, Kaim is actually a very passionate person. He's loyal to his friends and will do everything to help his friends. The reason why Kaim has to keep his mask on is because he has become very distrusting due to his past and wishes to not to be hurt the same way he was before.

When alone (especially at night) he has nightmares about the past and his wrongdoings from his anxiety he developed due to the trauma. However at certain times when especially stressed, he may have an panic attack of it during the day, where the surroundings he perceives alter to his memories of England. While he no longer self harms except at times of great distress, he still treats himself very harshly.

He has a habit of keeping his hands in his pockets when he is not using them. He grew this habit as looking at his hands reminds him how he has hurt people and he tries to push out those memories. While his sense of touch is not of a full human sort, what he does have artificially is amplified by his real life experience, his memories almost replacing his physical feeling.

The only thing he at the moment can release his tensions from are from physical exercise, involving general strength training or hitting punching bags. This and his fighting past has led him with levels of physical strength and stamina. He feels more secure when he does so, telling himself he is not weak and can protect people.

His choice of music is Hardcore and he often listens to it with in-ear headphones while he is walking.  He also nearly always listens to it while exercising, as the regular helps him keep a pace while working.

While he enjoys using fire poi (think a ball on a chain which is on fire in each hand) and staff, he rarely displays it in public, as he feels shy about his potential and thinks that he is sub-par in his skills. He also does not trust his prosthetic hands to handle them well, as he practised with them while he still had real hands.

There are some grammatical errors that impede proper reading of the profile before I could even begin the rest. For instance "dense knotted" doesn't make sense whilst understood to be "densely knotted." which even then I am unsure of what is meant. Unless you type of Lymph Nodes and tense muscles as a symptom of his scarring. Furthermore, " Pale at a western level skin and thin lips, being a mouth that is not used often." is just not well written. Eastern asiatic peoples are pale and at times can have the same pigmentation as a caucasian europeans or north americans. If his mouth is not used often - does he then not eat? Speak?

We have told members before that the school doesn't accept students that have mental disabilities and you stated the main cause as being "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder". I implore you to make the subject more about the scarring. As it stands I read the subject being the disorder and that will not pass here. As a tip, rewrite the sentence making the details about the scarring become the prominent feature being elaborated upon and have the disorder come as an afterthought. I would also mention that we would like the profile template to remain as is and if you wish to add the bits about his hobbies, please do so at the end, whether in personality or as an aside. The disability should be part of the backstory and not as a stand-alone subheading.


For the backstory, there's much to be done in order to better understand where the character is coming from. Such as what his early childhood was like, his relationship with his parents as well as his grandparents as they come later, how he behaved whilst he was being raised; what his dreams and aspirations were growing up, how they changed over time and his relationships with his friends in more detail. How he came to be introduced to jiu-jitsu is not explained well if at all and it comes up several times in the backstory, more details here are required. Since the effects of racism are one of the key points about his character, it would be interesting to see how events in his life helped shape his view about his being foreign and others treatment of him in more detail. As well as how he came to know Alyssa as she is the catalyst for his downward spiral that brought him to this school.

In the last section, personality, there again are some errors that have been abundant throughout the profile as a whole. "mask's" where it is understood as mask for instance being the one I'd point out. There are a few parenthetical statements that would better be adapted as part of a sentence than dividing them in parenthesis. I used to do that myself, thus I'd know how to replace them now. Just adapt the part you wish to add in to the sentence. "The gang being displeased with being disrespected by a foreigner and left to hang, decided to they would take revenge and ruin what he loved most in his life..." being a sample of how one could rewrite the sentence.

It comes with this admin's full recommendation that you use the guide we have for character building as it should prove useful to you right now. It covers all we want from a profile. Simply click here to get sent to it now.

Thanks for all the feedback I'll get to working on it right away.

Yeah I was working off that guide, but clearly not enough *chuckle*

Right, its past midnight where I am. I need sleep.
I've added detail to just about everything, though errors may still be present. Again feel free to fling mud at me for getting stuff wrong.

I didn't see the original profile - I was at work - but the detail seems in order. I'd say that you'd need to write a little more on him coping with the loss of someone he, presumably, loved. If they were as close as they seem I'd imagine long-term depression (serious depression, not only a month) would feature heavily, possibly even counselling. When coupled with the fact that he blames himself, I'd actually say counselling is more than likely, but that's just me. Maybe I think too little of a human's ability to adjust.

Other than that... it needs proofreading. Twice. The conditional tense is used far too often and incorrectly (if you didn't know, conditional tense is "I would like", or "he would..." etc.). It really sticks out and you don't want people associating this profile with something that was difficult to understand. I know it sounds petty but it makes a massive difference to people's desire to roleplay with you.

OK I'll work on that then. Thanks for pointing it out.
Time for a chilled cider and the power of ctrl+f!

One chilled Kopparberg and a lot of replacing would's and changing stuff around later, I think I'm done
I've added more mostly on how the event has haunted him since and made it part of his life, though not so obstructive that he can't go to school normally. Having an anxiety attack in the middle of the day is a special rare case.

Reads much better, and I like the additions. You have my approval.

Thank you :)now just need to wait for a second approval if all goes right.
I assume that also the mods will after approval change my user colour for the relevant year no?

They will indeed.

There are a few flaws I still find with the profile myself both major and minor. The second instance of "mask's" is still there. Minor. The major one and the fault most impeding progress is the part about accidentally throwing someone out a window. There would want some explanation about the events and the outcome thereof as the entire ordeal sounds quite grave for a student to be involved in. In the same sentence you write "He had broken bones". I understand it as others bones but even though I could, it doesn't read well. It could also be read as if he broke bones of his own. Please rewrite it in a way that it is understood to be to do about others.

*goes to edit that*

There we go, sorted those edits out.

You have the approval you seek. May you do us well by maintaining a respectable standard of roleplaying here. Welcome. 2/2.