[Open] Painful Memories

Kaim was sweaty and exhausted from a session at the gym. While his hands were prosthetic, they felt like they ached along with his arms. This time round he didn't so much exercise than try to hit out the stress that was building in him.

It was one of those days where his memories were stronger and more painful. He woke up covered in cold sweat and having a vague recollection that his dream was not pleasant in any regard. It pained him that he had no one to confide to, but who could he trust? The last time he trusted someone, he lost the person closest to him.
He had attempted to try and relieve himself by beating it out of him with the punch bag, but it didn't suffice. It alleviated none of his stress and anxiety and only made him tired and sore. Sighing, Kaim went outside to the courtyard.
The cool summer air and the light breeze touched his face and shuffled his long flowing red hair. Interestingly red hair was a source of scorn in England, which someone he knew claimed to be because of the English hatred bred towards Scottish and Irish from their history. Because Kaim had brutally injured people who attempted to fight him though, they didn't often bully him, for the sake of their life.

Kaim sat on a bench, leaning forward. He was still in his gym clothes, which helped with the sweat a tad from being a breathable material. As he sat, the memories stirred inside his head.

Kaim looked at his hands while he was leaning down. They looked almost life-like, thanks to the CyberHeart foundation that helped him restore his hands. Sadly, they could never heal the innumerable scars across his body and memories. Luckily though, these scars never reached his face or upper neck.
These hands, they had inflicted so much pain. Or rather, the hands he used to own. These...fakes were like a clean slate. The rest of his body would prod him back to awareness though lest he forget his past. Besides, they could never heal the pain a family had received when they lost their daughter. He cried alongside them, but he felt guilty for it.

As Kaim looked at these hands and contemplated how much pain he had caused, a song from a German film played in his mind. As the song played, flashbacks played in his head. As the song went on, his face was unmoving, but a single tear fell, slowly running down his face.
A quote from the end of the scene came to mind and he spoke it out loud.


"Can anyone who has heard this music, I mean truly heard it, really be a bad person?"


((That song makes well up in tears every time I hear it))

Toshiaki exited the gym, his dark hair wet from his shower.

He walked down into the courtyard, stopping near Kaim.
"You were really going at it hard today," he said. "Something stressing you out?"

Although Toshi's first impression of Kaim had been far from spectacular, he had seen enough of him since then to figure that they weren't all that different.
Hell, I sure needed a second chance. If anyone's going to extend that courtesy to him, it's probably me.

Kaim wiped his year away with a single finger as he heard Toshiaki's voice. He didn't face him though.

Kaim usually as as closed as a clam, however at the moment he was rather more mentally vulnerable. His emotions were rawer.

"Nothing compared to the stress and pain I have inflicted to far too many. The guilt that many feel out of things outside their power is one thing.
Injuring many out of own frustation and indirectly killing the person closest to me through false trust is another entirely though."

Kaim was cursing rather explicitly to himself for revealing so much already, but his currently wounded mental state spurred him on.

"… damn, man…"

Well that was unexpected.

"You need someone to vent to?"

Should I even be offering to help him if he did something like that?

Kaim let the sentence near brush past him. It didn't matter so much, his brain was bursting with his past.
He leaned back into the bench and looked up, holding up his hand extended into the sky.
"I remember it like it was just yesterday. When my beloved Alyssa was ripped out of my life by the guy I thought my best friend. If only I could hold her now like I did so often..."

He gripped his hand together in gesture, as if he attempted to hold to her, but only grabbed thin air.

"Alas, I can never do that. Even if I could, I don't feel right doing it after hurting so many with my feelings I had after."

Somehow that his voice was still the same passive usual, only slightly wavering and quiet, made it all the more believable than a melodramatic performance.

Either way, I guess I already decided to.

"Thought he was a friend, yeah?
I've been there. Not a good time.

"So… what happened?"

"You could say I got the girl like they do in films. She was the only person that approached me and one of the nicest people I've known."
He chuckled lightly to himself.
"It went really well for nearly a nearly a year. Went all the way and everything."

The slight smile he wore as he explained Alyssa in short suddenly fell.
"Turns out though supporting characters don't like you getting the girl. They get jealous.
Jealous enough that the gang I used to be affiliated with brutally murdered her and nearly me too. These scars all over my body don't come just with the hospital treatment after all. I find it almost mocking that they avoided my pretty face."
The memory of the slaughter played before him. He was battering down man after man in a vain attempt to protect him and Alyssa. He was only a human though, not some superhuman.

What – the – fuck did you just get yourself into.
First impression was right, this guy's crazy.

Toshiaki had no response to that.

"Well, that's the horribly simple version. Come back later if you want a book on it."
Kaim sighed.
"Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. No one should have a tumultuous past like I had. Having the closest people to you murdered when they were the only thing you had and having to face the family they belong to..."
He let his arms rest to his sides.
"I just hope the kids of today don't have to bear with what I had. Well, unless you want your lover to be murdered."

Toshi laughed dryly.

"I think we've all got some 'tumultuous' histories out here, pal."

"No kidding, otherwise we wouldn't be here.I'm reminded of it every time I see these prosthetic hands like a Jehovah's witness at your door back when I was in the UK."
Kaim noted he was slipping into his personality when he was younger, a bit more talkative and with a golden lining of sarcasm and black humour.
Toshi's note reminded him this was after all a place for you to be fixed.

"Yeah, I know the feeling. Different thing, maybe, but all the same.

"So, just ghosts of the past haunting you? Nothing new?"

"Yeah. Pretty big ghost, so hard to lose hold of. I mean, the only person I trusted ripped my life apart. There is a reason I'm so cold and distrusting to people. I ain't just a simple jackass."
Kaim lightly chuckled, though didn't smile.
"Maybe one day I'll actually trust people and fall in love again. That is if I get the confidence to. It's still happened less than a year ago...."
He looked at his prosthetic hand, where he felt a pain at his wrist where it was joined to his arm. It wasn't anything physical, it was just his mind inducing pain from the horrifying experience.
"Let's just hope I don't go to complete shit until then."

He leaned back and relaxed into the bench. He would usually be having at this point an anxiety attack, but it seemed talking about it helped alleviate it.
"The feeling of falling in love was nice though. I guess I'm hopeful that it will happen to me and I can with that hope to repair myself again, or at least come to terms with my past. Until then I've been hooked to my past. At the moment the memory of Alyssa still haunts that area of my psyche. Until that's gone, I don't think I'll ever fully manage it."

"… doesn't go away," Toshi muttered quietly.

Kaim raised an eyebrow, curious at what he meant. Did he mean that he had a ghost that wasn't going away? Or that the scars will never leave him and it would forever haunt him? While not going at breackneck speeds, his mind was running with thought.
"You'll need to expand the context there."

Kaim thought that maybe he was haunted with ghosts of the past too. It wouldn't seem unreasonable. After all, as the man said himself, they probably all have some screwed up past for being here.
The thought of finding a girl that would somehow replace the memory of Alyssa toyed his mind. The only issue there was though is that he didn't so far trust anyone and none would probably try to approach him either, considering his normally cold personality. If he hadn't had such a bad morning, he wouldn't be here explaining himself either.

"The memories. The past. They never really go away.

"You learn to deal with it. It gets easier. But it doesn't go away."

Kaim did a disheartening face.
"Hmm, that's me scuppered then. Better come to terms with it I guess somehow. Besides, these scars will never go away, so I guess its certain my memory won't. Unless I suffer some practically timed amnesia."
The previous thoughts still floated around his head. He wondered how he could alleviate the pressure of his past and still have some sort of life not dictated by days gone (recently) by.

"I don't know if there really is such a thing, 'coming to terms,'" he replied sourly. "In the end, I think all you can do is push it out of your mind and keep living."

Yup, he is definitely speaking from experience. The tone gives it away.
Kaim nodded slightly.
"I suppose. Best thing to do. Just hope it doesn't give me any anxiety attacks and try to get a life."

"Yeah," he said flatly.

He stood there silent for a moment.

"Hey, you wanna do something this weekend? Go have some fun?
It's my birthday soon, so I guess I should to something to enjoy it."

"I suppose so. Got a group thing planned? I hear that here in japan you do things like get together somewhere to drink and talk and food around.
Then again that might just be the manga's I read while I lived in the UK."
He chuckled slightly with the last statement.

"Last I checked, that wasn't just manga characters," he replied with a grin.

"Nothing planned yet. Anything in mind?"

Hopefully this one goes better than the last birthday party I was at.

"I'll go for the aforementioned then I guess. I suppose I should make more friends."
He hoped he wouldn't come around and be super cold again when it came to it, but thought some alcohol would probably solve that.

"Sounds like a good start.

"Guess I'll ask around for any good places."

Kaim nodded and got up, heading to his dorm. After all, the recent exercise meant he desperately needed a shower, not having cleaned off the cold sweat from the night before.
"I guess I'll see you later then."