[PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
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[PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu was in many different pieces at the current moment. He, after what had all happened, knew he had to confide in someone... but who could he trust at the moment? He had snapped at Ayane when he left, and after a very vague apology, she said she would be coming to check up on him, and this time, check out his health on behalf of the Ishitawa Family.
So, knocking on the door of the academy's psychotherapist, he knew that what he would have to say would be kept under lock and key- or in a book under a pile of other books.
Ryuu knocked the door hard three times before opening the door and peeking in slightly.
So, knocking on the door of the academy's psychotherapist, he knew that what he would have to say would be kept under lock and key- or in a book under a pile of other books.
Ryuu knocked the door hard three times before opening the door and peeking in slightly.
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"Come on in," Julius answered.
He was seated at his desk, typing something on his computer. Visible atop one of the many bookshelves was a frame that had not been there before the winter vacation started, containing a photo of him next to a woman embracing a newborn.
"Mr. Ishitawa, how can I help you?"
He was seated at his desk, typing something on his computer. Visible atop one of the many bookshelves was a frame that had not been there before the winter vacation started, containing a photo of him next to a woman embracing a newborn.
"Mr. Ishitawa, how can I help you?"
Julius Schmidt- Posts : 102
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu nodded at the man before walking into the room and closing the door behind him.
{Well, I thought it was a good time to come see you. I've gotten myself into a mess that I need to talk about. My grandparents used to say that it was something good that a weak person asks for help from the professionals when a problem arises, and I'm not to good in handling negative emotions that are either sparked by negative experiences... or my idiocy. And I thought if I want to speak freely without what I'm saying getting out, who better that someone at the academy?}
Ryuu knew, at that second, everything else that was going to come out of his mind, written on the tablet, would be self hating and pretty damn dark about himself, so he went for the obvious route.
{May I talk a seat? This shall be a while, if you don't mind.}
{Well, I thought it was a good time to come see you. I've gotten myself into a mess that I need to talk about. My grandparents used to say that it was something good that a weak person asks for help from the professionals when a problem arises, and I'm not to good in handling negative emotions that are either sparked by negative experiences... or my idiocy. And I thought if I want to speak freely without what I'm saying getting out, who better that someone at the academy?}
Ryuu knew, at that second, everything else that was going to come out of his mind, written on the tablet, would be self hating and pretty damn dark about himself, so he went for the obvious route.
{May I talk a seat? This shall be a while, if you don't mind.}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"Of course. We all need help sometimes."
He finished typing and pulled out Ryuu's folder.
"What's on your mind?"
He finished typing and pulled out Ryuu's folder.
"What's on your mind?"
Julius Schmidt- Posts : 102
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu nodded slightly before taking off his hood and looking at the man in front of him and sitting down, giving him his full attention.
{Where should I start, doctor? When I left, or when my feelings began to drastically change before that?}
He gave a weak-willed smile before leaning back in his chair.
{Where should I start, doctor? When I left, or when my feelings began to drastically change before that?}
He gave a weak-willed smile before leaning back in his chair.
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Julius's smile faded.
"Well, we'd best start at the beginning."
"Well, we'd best start at the beginning."
Julius Schmidt- Posts : 102
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
{So it all starts with my transfer. I left the Sonic's Dynamos to become a full time student, once more, after I find out I neglected my family, letting Grandfather die without knowing... but it's not like I knew it would happen. And that's life. Grandmother became very weak at the time, but gave me her words of wisdom to pull through it all. She also encouraged me to learn sign language and come to the academy as to turn a new leaf over.}
Ryuu shook his head, as his own self-made dark poison was starting to seep slowly into his mind.
{So I joined Yamaku, looking for a fresh start, and I liked my new life. I made friends, made some enemies maybe, but nothing peculiar for a high school student. the highs were all great, but it was when I began to hole myself up in my room to catch up on my studies did I begin to have dark thoughts invade my mind...}
Ryuu, at this point put down the tablet and stretched his arms and back in the chair, letting out a sharp sigh.
{The problem is, it felt like it wasn't me who was  the one doing the talking inside my head,} Ryuu began after he lifted his tablet once more,{But after a while, I felt like I was just wearing a mask; my new life couldn't wash away all the guilt of the sins that I had committed. Though, after a while, I was invited to one of my good friend's birthday party, and somewhat had fun, even though I found my thoughts wandering again.}
{After that, he came over to my room one day after my study time, and we chatted a bit.After that, I left for my home, and here I am.}
Ryuu shook his head, as his own self-made dark poison was starting to seep slowly into his mind.
{So I joined Yamaku, looking for a fresh start, and I liked my new life. I made friends, made some enemies maybe, but nothing peculiar for a high school student. the highs were all great, but it was when I began to hole myself up in my room to catch up on my studies did I begin to have dark thoughts invade my mind...}
Ryuu, at this point put down the tablet and stretched his arms and back in the chair, letting out a sharp sigh.
{The problem is, it felt like it wasn't me who was  the one doing the talking inside my head,} Ryuu began after he lifted his tablet once more,{But after a while, I felt like I was just wearing a mask; my new life couldn't wash away all the guilt of the sins that I had committed. Though, after a while, I was invited to one of my good friend's birthday party, and somewhat had fun, even though I found my thoughts wandering again.}
{After that, he came over to my room one day after my study time, and we chatted a bit.After that, I left for my home, and here I am.}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"Hm."
Julius nodded occasionally as he listened and jotted down notes.
"And what are your feelings about the situation now?"
Julius nodded occasionally as he listened and jotted down notes.
"And what are your feelings about the situation now?"
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
{That situation, and what happened while I was at home? Half and half. The past is done, as they say, but emotional impact is what chains people down...}
Ryuu turned away slightly, looking away from Dr. Julius, covering his eyes for a second before he looked back.
{Sometimes they say that history can repeat itself. I was an onlooker to such history, until it was my own that repeated. I neglected my family, paying the ultimate price for my deeds.}
Ryuu was now at his breaking point. He could either go on and blow up on the doctor, but he knew he wouldn't feel any better, as he had done with Ayane. So, like he did the first time, he took the better route of the two: calmly and collected.
{I just sometimes look back at the stories of my band-brothers, each with an origin story worse than the other, but they were strong, pushing aside everything to keep their smiles of their faces... So why can I not smile now?}
Ryuu turned away slightly, looking away from Dr. Julius, covering his eyes for a second before he looked back.
{Sometimes they say that history can repeat itself. I was an onlooker to such history, until it was my own that repeated. I neglected my family, paying the ultimate price for my deeds.}
Ryuu was now at his breaking point. He could either go on and blow up on the doctor, but he knew he wouldn't feel any better, as he had done with Ayane. So, like he did the first time, he took the better route of the two: calmly and collected.
{I just sometimes look back at the stories of my band-brothers, each with an origin story worse than the other, but they were strong, pushing aside everything to keep their smiles of their faces... So why can I not smile now?}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"I can certainly understand that. But as you said, we can't change the past. We can only act in the present to hope to better the future.
What happened with your grandfather is by no means your fault. It's something you couldn't possibly have controlled. Don't blame yourself.
As for your friends, there's no sense in trying to weigh your sorrows against one another. We all have our challenges in life, some more than others. What matters is how we face them, and how we help others face theirs.
"Is this what you feel is keeping you from making new connections here at Yamaku?"
What happened with your grandfather is by no means your fault. It's something you couldn't possibly have controlled. Don't blame yourself.
As for your friends, there's no sense in trying to weigh your sorrows against one another. We all have our challenges in life, some more than others. What matters is how we face them, and how we help others face theirs.
"Is this what you feel is keeping you from making new connections here at Yamaku?"
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu, slightly looked down at the floor, thinking for a bit before replying.
{Maybe. Maybe, I fear the fall before taking the leap of faith, and how I fear getting closer to others in case I lose them. Maybe I fear everyone's personal strength while never looking deep enough into myself to see me own...}
It was exactly as Ryuu had just said. It was like he knew the problem, but not the solution.
{Why is it, Doctor, that I feel like I've lost everything? I'm hurting, but I'm still alive...}
{Maybe. Maybe, I fear the fall before taking the leap of faith, and how I fear getting closer to others in case I lose them. Maybe I fear everyone's personal strength while never looking deep enough into myself to see me own...}
It was exactly as Ryuu had just said. It was like he knew the problem, but not the solution.
{Why is it, Doctor, that I feel like I've lost everything? I'm hurting, but I'm still alive...}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Julius laid down his notebook and pen, resting his elbows on the desk and his chin on his hands in contemplation.
"I'm afraid that's something we all have to face at some point.
Have you ever heard of the hedgehog's dilemma?"
"I'm afraid that's something we all have to face at some point.
Have you ever heard of the hedgehog's dilemma?"
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
(OOC: Hedgehog's Dilemma pretty much explains half of the reasons I'm an introvert xD. Such information.)
Ryuu thought for a bit, trying to use his mind to see what the two words 'hedgehog' and 'dilemma' could mean together before sighing.
{No, Doctor. Never heard of the phrase. Would your care to enlighten me?}
Ryuu thought for a bit, trying to use his mind to see what the two words 'hedgehog' and 'dilemma' could mean together before sighing.
{No, Doctor. Never heard of the phrase. Would your care to enlighten me?}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"Imagine, if you will, a group of hedgehogs in the cold. Naturally, they try to gather together for warmth, only to end up pricking each other and driving each other away. Eventually, they either stay just close enough to get some warmth while avoiding each other's spines, or they give up and remain alone and cold.
"The closer we are, the greater chance we take of hurting each other. Whether by circumstance or intent, the worst pain involves those we hold most dear. But that's no reason to abandon everyone.
"There will always be pains in life. The important part is to make the happiness worth it."
"The closer we are, the greater chance we take of hurting each other. Whether by circumstance or intent, the worst pain involves those we hold most dear. But that's no reason to abandon everyone.
"There will always be pains in life. The important part is to make the happiness worth it."
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu listened with the intent in finding the answer to his spiraling weird little personal world.
{I get it, Doctor. Be happy, but don't avoid being unhappy with life, cause it is AS IS. Can't change that, can we?}
Ryuu sat there for a few minutes, thinking before 'speaking' up again.
{So, what do you recommend I do, Doctor? Walk forward in life? Head held up high and all that? I just don't know anymore. But unhappiness if the route to happiness, right?}
{I get it, Doctor. Be happy, but don't avoid being unhappy with life, cause it is AS IS. Can't change that, can we?}
Ryuu sat there for a few minutes, thinking before 'speaking' up again.
{So, what do you recommend I do, Doctor? Walk forward in life? Head held up high and all that? I just don't know anymore. But unhappiness if the route to happiness, right?}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"You have to make your own happiness. That's all we can do."
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
'Make...? Looks like that is the only way. Sometimes to gain, you must... take? That's not right, is it?' Ryuu thought.
{Make it? How's that possible? Wake up thinking positive? Walking around with a smile plastered on my face? The 'me' right now would think of it as self-deception...}
{Make it? How's that possible? Wake up thinking positive? Walking around with a smile plastered on my face? The 'me' right now would think of it as self-deception...}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
"Yes, actually, that would be a good start. You'd be surprised at the difference a smile can make.
"Find what makes you happy. Do what makes you happy.
Be the you that you would be happy to be."
"Find what makes you happy. Do what makes you happy.
Be the you that you would be happy to be."
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu blinked a few times before he did anything. At that moment, something in the Doctor's words struck him.
It's... the same feeling as before.
Be the you that you would be happy to be.
Be myself. Just me. Nothing more, hm? Sounds like a plan. If I'm going to go forwards, something has to be given up, right? But not given up in a bad way... given a better home.
He sat there for a bit, trying to think what it was to make him feel nostalgic. He then snapped his head up, smiling a little.
Just like that man who first gave me a place in the Band... Sometimes I mustn't give up on myself, for the greater good of others. I support myself, then I'll support the rest.
Even though Ryuu somewhat felt like his words had no weight behind them, he knew that if he tried hard enough, he would be able to do it.
{Okay Doctor. What else must I do to improve myself?}
It's... the same feeling as before.
Be the you that you would be happy to be.
Be myself. Just me. Nothing more, hm? Sounds like a plan. If I'm going to go forwards, something has to be given up, right? But not given up in a bad way... given a better home.
He sat there for a bit, trying to think what it was to make him feel nostalgic. He then snapped his head up, smiling a little.
Just like that man who first gave me a place in the Band... Sometimes I mustn't give up on myself, for the greater good of others. I support myself, then I'll support the rest.
Even though Ryuu somewhat felt like his words had no weight behind them, he knew that if he tried hard enough, he would be able to do it.
{Okay Doctor. What else must I do to improve myself?}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Julius grinned a bit at this.
"I'm afraid you'll have to decide that for yourself, Mr. Ishitawa.
Only you can decide who you want to be."
"I'm afraid you'll have to decide that for yourself, Mr. Ishitawa.
Only you can decide who you want to be."
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu nodded as he stood up, stretching out his hand, and the other holding up his tablet.
{Thank you, Doctor. You've really been a great help. Looks like the rest has to be up to me now.}
{Thank you, Doctor. You've really been a great help. Looks like the rest has to be up to me now.}
Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
He stood and shook Ryuu's hand firmly.
"Let me know how things work out. If you need anything else, I'll be here."
"Let me know how things work out. If you need anything else, I'll be here."
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Re: [PRIVATE] Antagonism at One's Self
Ryuu returned the firm shake with one of his own to match the strength of his Doctor.
{I shall leave now. See you later.}
Ryuu lifted his hood and went for the door, opening it and closing as quickly as he could sensibly could. He felt like he really should do something, and stop blaming himself, but, he also knew it wasn't going to be easy.
{I shall leave now. See you later.}
Ryuu lifted his hood and went for the door, opening it and closing as quickly as he could sensibly could. He felt like he really should do something, and stop blaming himself, but, he also knew it wasn't going to be easy.
END.
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