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Matsobu Taioru [Updated]

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Matsobu Taioru [Updated] Empty Matsobu Taioru [Updated]

Post by Guest Thu Jun 26, 2014 10:09 am

Name: Matsobu Taioru

Age: 15

Class: Freshman

Appearance: Smaller-than-average boy, standing at 5'0. Dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slim body, has a slight slouch. Always wears the school uniform, inside and outside school grounds. He twitches often.

Backstory: Matsobu was born with Tourette Syndrome. He was born to two parents, who soon put him up for adoption, realizing they weren't fit for a child. He was sent to an orphanage, where the kids made fun of his twitching.
He slowly stopped talking to the kids and the staff, mostly reading and watching television. At the age of 7, he was beat up by an older kid to the point of his right hand almost being paralyzed. He spent months in the hospital, his index finger needing to be removed from irreparable damage. His handwriting suffered, making his handwriting much more sloppy, being close to illegible. Despite this, he is still happy and has learned to write neater, but not much.
At the age of 9, he was beat up again because of his twitching. He had went into a coma from blood loss, not waking up until four months after. No permanent damage besides a slightly large scar on his stomach was caused.
At 10, he met his first girlfriend, who had stayed with him for three years. They had broken up because she said he had not payed enough attention to her. He had went into depression, hating his life for a year. He had gone to a therapist one month after, seeing him every week. He had not thought a therapist would work, but kept going. Two weeks later, Matsobu had thought the therapist was useless, and had locked himself in his room for three days, not coming out, unless for food in the middle of the night, until his family convinced him to go back to the therapist. After that, it took three months for him to get over his depression.
The following week, one of his close friends had been hit by a car, to his dismay. He still tried to keep his head up, and managed to do so until he finally accepted his friend's passing.
He then met his second girlfriend, whom he is still in a relationship with today. They are in love, Matsobu being as happy as can be.

Personality: A timid boy, Matsobu tends to keep to himself a lot, but those who get close enough to him as friends, will realize he is a very happy boy and will share most aspects of his life with them.
He likes to read, and enjoys watching television. He tends to not do well with grades, since he, most of the time, fails at paying attention.
He talks with his girlfriend every day, usually for an hour.


Last edited by Matsobu Taioru on Thu Jun 26, 2014 12:14 pm; edited 4 times in total

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Post by Subverse Thu Jun 26, 2014 10:51 am

First off, thanks for taking an interest in our little community here.

Now, for the profile... I find everything a little vague, particularly the backstory section. For example, his twitching is never explained and I can only assume that comes from one of the 200 diseases that are associated with infantile spasms. The backstory need to be really thorough. Take a quick glance through the approved characters section of the forum and see just how thorough I'm talking. Things like "a year of depression" can't be explained with a couple of lines of text, we need to know how he felt, if he sought out professional help, suicidal tendencies et cetera.

Read this guide, make any adjustments you feel you need to make and get back to us. Just reply to the thread again so we know you've updated it.
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Post by Guest Thu Jun 26, 2014 12:06 pm

I updated the profile, added more information. I hope it meets the requirements.

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Post by Raiden Thu Jun 26, 2014 1:54 pm

Unfortunately, that's not nearly enough detail. You mention a lot of very important events like they were nothing when you should have devoted entire paragraphs just to them. Allow me to point them out:

1) One of the biggest problems I see with your profile is the inclusion of Tourette Syndrome, which is a mental condition. Those are generally not allowed in Yamaku, with the only exception being if the student has an even more serious physical disorder which makes it preferable for them to study at Yamaku rather than at a school specifically for kids with mental disabilities. What's more, in order to be diagnosed with Tourette, the patient needs to have at least one verbal tic - none has been mentioned on your profile. My advice would be to cut the Tourette stuff out completely and come up with a different reason for his bullying.

2) When was he given for adoption? Why? What does "they weren't fit for the child" even mean? That's a HUGE point in his history that is going to define him all his life, and you just skim over it with no explanation. There's just so many questions here that need to be answered.

3) His beating up at the age of 7. How did that happen? Once again, you mention it like it was nothing - "Oh yeah, by the way, he got beat up and ended up in the hospital". You need to add way more information about the circumstances behind this. Also, how did he adjust to living with a disability? It would be traumatizing for a kid to have a paralyzed right arm and a missing finger, and the way you make it out, it sounds like his biggest concern was that his handwriting got sloppier, which is unrealistic at best and downright insulting to disabled people at worst.

4) His second beating, at age 9, also requires a lot of explanation. Feel free to use my questions from 4 for reference. Also, wouldn't the orphanage have placed some kind of protection for him considering he was already beaten up to the point of almost losing a limb? How did they ever allow this worse beating to happen? And just so you know, there's no way a 4 month coma will leave no damage - if the body shut itself off, that means something really bad happened to it. At the very least, that "slightly large" (what does that even mean?) scar on his stomach means that he's now got a peptic ulcer (a wound on his stomach) he's got to live with.

5) "At 10, he met his first girlfriend, who had stayed with him for three years." - That sentence makes absolutely no sense on so many levels. I assume you're not a native English speaker, so, as someone who actually worked as an English teacher, allow me to explain something - the tense you're using here (past perfect) is for events that happened before other events, with the older action being written in Past Perfect and the later one with Past Simple. So, with that grammar, you're making it sound like she already stayed with him for three years before they met, which makes no sense. I noticed you keep using past perfect inappropriately a lot throughout your profile, so if you could fix it, that'd be great. Also, what does "she stayed with him for three years" even mean? That they were in a relationship for three years? At 10, he would have been way too young to have an actual relationship that lasted that long. It would've most likely been just like a very good friendship that the kids decided to call a "relationship" in order to feel grown up. But you never made any mention of either of them being precocious enough to understand what an actual relationship entails. You've also never mentioned ANYTHING about his so-called girlfriend - who is she, where did she come from, what was she like, what was her name, how did they meet, how old was she, why did she befriend him despite his disabilities and his reputation at the orphanage (most kids are very cruel towards people who are different and/or ostracized, as you mentioned yourself), etc. There is so much potential to develop a heartwarming, fascinating storyline here, and you've somehow failed to tap into any of it. Last, but not least - they broke up because he wasn't paying enough attention to her? First of all, 13 year old children would be way too young to care about a relatively adult issue like that, and second, why wasn't he paying enough attention to her, anyway? What was so important to him that occupied his time? This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and neither does his "depression" where he "hated his life for a year".

6) Wait a second, so his tics, his constant bullying or when he was beaten into a coma weren't enough to warrant a therapist, but breaking up with his "girlfriend" is? That's absurd. Also, who's paying for this therapist? He lives in an orphanage, remember? Therapists are expensive, and I doubt they'd have one at a place where they allow violence like this. His mental breakdown makes zero sense, either - you should have dedicated at least a paragraph to it, explaining exactly what led to it and how it manifested itself, because as it is right now, it seems like he just woke up one morning and decided he was useless. Also, what room?!? He lives in an orphanage, they don't have individual rooms, and even if they did, no one would allow him to just lock himself in! And how did his family convince him to go? He lives in an orphanage! He doesn't have a family!

7) This friend who died has never been mentioned once before. His passing seems irrelevant. Overall, the entire event serves absolutely no purpose to your character whatsoever other than to make him even more depressed than he already is. Either find it a story-related function or cut it.

8 ) His second girlfriend. All the details I asked for the first one will be required here as well.

9) Personality's way too short. You need at least 2-3 lengthy paragraphs to fully explain everything. Use the guide Subverse linked for reference.

Update your post and bump this thread so we can take another look.
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Post by Subverse Mon Jun 30, 2014 10:30 pm

Not sure if you've forgotten, or decided against the character. I'll bump and hope the email reminds you.
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Post by Raiden Sat Jul 05, 2014 12:44 pm

I will presume that you've chosen to neglect the character. As such, he is denied. Feel free to resubmit the profile after patching up the plot holes I specified, and we'll take another look.
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