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Mizo Takameshi UPDATE

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Mizo Takameshi UPDATE Empty Mizo Takameshi UPDATE

Post by Mizo Takameshi Sun Jul 06, 2014 3:16 am

NAME: Mizo Takameshi

AGE: 17

CLASS: Junior

APPEARANCE: Black medium length hair, hazel eye in his right eye and a milky white in the left, with a scar over it. Light frame with a medium build, around 5 foot 6. When not wearing the familiar Yamaku uniform he can be found wearing jeans and wacky, pop culture themed t-shirts with his favorite pair of black and white checkered slip-on sneakers.

BACKSTORY:
Pre-seizure:

When everything Changed:

First Year at Yamaku & the Future:

PERSONALITY: Even though he's overcome his shyness he's still rather quiet. He's really a very nice person, but often comes across as weird and awkward. Mizo's come to realize that this may have been one of the qualities that's helped him make friends here at Yamaku where it drove people away at his old school. However to the few that know Mizo well enough to know the real him can tell you that he has a big heart and even bigger dreams.

Mizo cares deeply about the people around him even though most all of them have never known it. His sense of curiosity and wonderment is ever expanding due to how much he reads, and has flair for creativity. Mizo has however developed a new side to his personality a side of frustration...of anger and...of some confusion all brought on by his newly developed condition. This frustration has grown ever since he lost the use of his left eye. All in all Mizo is a good person, with his share of problems (but then again who doesn't?) who is just slightly misunderstood on occasion.


Last edited by Mizo Takameshi on Sun Jul 13, 2014 3:43 am; edited 9 times in total (Reason for editing : Profile Fixes and the such round 3.0 (Fox here: I did you a kindness so we can move on.))
Mizo Takameshi
Mizo Takameshi

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Post by LQ-84i Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:28 am

This profile is currently not compliant with the new standards that have been enacted for some time now. I understand the original was made prior to this, however, we're no respecters of persons here.

Personal Details: Fine.

Appearance: Devoid of physical details that would be useful to others. Frame, build, height, etc. Passable unless others share the opinion I do. I would try some to add detail here nonetheless.

Backstory:

Style: 5-7 sentences to a paragraph as a general rule. Otherwise, it's a figurative wall of text and cumbersome to read through. Also, as it is typed, you have little spacing between sentences, and that makes it even more of an inconvenience for us.

Grammar: You switch tenses at points toward the end abruptly, do try to keep the same tense throughout. "Knowing he could do better..." "At this point it feels kind of silly to him that he ever had a problem being around others." being the two examples that stand out.

Detail: It reads rather rushed and falls into the various pitfalls most profiles have, those being omitting or not elaborating on details that are important to the character's concept. We understand the emotions that are currently in play due to his conditions and introversion but, (unfortunately, if this is even unfortunate.) we expect people to develop reasoning for their feelings through how they got there. We're not going to assume. There's also a glaring transitory problem in between the lines here.

Code:
 "Due to his reclusive nature he took to model building and reading to pass his free time, but it was no real replacement for actual friends. When he was in grade 7 there was a girl in Mizo's class that he really liked, and the whole year he wanted to tell her how he felt, but again his shyness kept him from acting on that urge and he eventually missed that chance.One day while taking a walk near the local park he blacked out and woke up in the hospital."

I'd ask if you could lead up to the event in some manner. It's rather thrown in as it reads. Don't worry about how it came about unless another admin holds a doubt, the prevalence of unprovoked seizures are low, but are frequently warned about. Adding some details about how the character felt about all of these occurrences and elaborating more about the girl, his shyness and how he felt being so alone over time would help get this profile reapproved.

Personality: Fine.

It may be a bit of a bother having been accepted once before on much less to do. Requirements have changed and even re-approvals are subject to them. It is with good will that we've raised the standards overall. Bump the thread with an updated profile and we'll review it again.
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Post by Mizo Takameshi Fri Jul 11, 2014 8:04 am

Ok, I will have to put some thought into wording and condensing and then I'll post the updated profile. It may take a few days though due to work and general tiredness as such.
Mizo Takameshi
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Post by Mizo Takameshi Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:24 am

Ok, so didn't take as long as I thought. I'm sure there may be more that needs adjusting but this is a start. I broke the back story down in to three smaller sections via the spoiler tags so as to make sifting through the back story easier and re-wrote it to (hopefully) address the stated issues. Sorry if there are still some gaping holes, I should of done this when I was more awake and not when I was half tired from work and running on a half a redbull. Also thanks for the help with getting my profile sorted out. Oh and bump a da-bump
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Post by LQ-84i Fri Jul 11, 2014 7:36 pm

Personal Details: Fine.

Appearance: A few gripes. One of the times you spelled wearing was incorrect, written "wareing". Put a space between the comma after "wacky" and pop culture, and do not capitalize the P in pop culture. After this, fine.

Backstory:

Style: I suppose that solution to the wall is fine. There is a dangling sentence under the subheading "When Everything Changed" that might better be integrated with the rest of the paragraphs. Also, adding a line break after each complete paragraph helps stylistically. If you read the paragraphs again, you might see how it still reads lumped in. A line break will fix this, surely.

Grammar: Uncapitalize the following words: "Doctors", "Epilepsy"

Detail: Not much was written about early childhood, his life with his caregivers, or school before middle. If it truly is nondescript, just cover the topic and move on as planned. Another way would be just to write about early childhood and then skip along making note that little else has occured. With the way this has been written, this well might be enough to cover what you wanted to write and I'll accept the brevity of this profile.

Personality: Fine except for the following:

Style, Grammar: On second glance, please space after sentences and use line breaks. I'll point out a sentence that shows what I mean if it's not understood. "...of some confusion all brought on by his newly developed condition.This frustration has grown ever since he lost the use of his left eye.All in all Mizo is a good person, with his share of problems (buy [but] then again who doesn't?) who is just slightly misunderstood on occasion.

Also, the sentence before would look better if you either got rid of one or more of the ellipsis or if you'd like to keep the effect, remove the oxford comma between "of anger" & "and".

After this, if anyone of the administration team has another opinion, I've not much more to add from here. After these changes, I'll go on to approve it if it went well. You'll be subject to another pair of eyes from then on.
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Post by Mizo Takameshi Fri Jul 11, 2014 8:47 pm

I hope I've fixed the problems stated above. Like I said I shouldn't of tried to fix it when I was so tired.
Also yes I am terrible about spacing, that is something I've been trying to work on.
Anyway I hope these fixes address the issues.






Also, BUMP!
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Post by LQ-84i Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:17 pm

Personal Details: Fine

Appearance: Fine

Backstory:

Style: "Things
(all of this space isn't what I meant and severs the sentence)
might of gotten better if he'd had proper encouragement from his parents to come out of his shell,..."

Personality: Fine, just bring the last line back closer to the rest of the paragraph.
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Post by Mizo Takameshi Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:22 pm

Oops, I spaced in the wrong place. That was a goof. Brought that sentence back a little. BUMP!
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Post by LQ-84i Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:25 pm

Re-approved. 1/2, please wait for another admin's opinion before moving on.
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Post by Subverse Sun Jul 13, 2014 1:45 am

I have few problems with the resubmission. I'd like you to confirm whether the seizure in "When Everything Changed" was a "tonic-clonic" (falling to the floor, convulsing) seizure or the rarer "absence" seizure. I can almost guarantee that it was a tonic-clonic, but both are symptoms of epilepsy. I'd also like something about his parents - they are mentioned merely in passing and genuinely seem like they don't give a crap about him, and simply want to throw money at the problem. Perhaps a paragraph about their involvement in his life and a few sentences on his feelings towards them and their apparent apathy towards him.
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Post by Mizo Takameshi Sun Jul 13, 2014 3:45 am

I expanded a bit in a couple of spots on his relationship with his parents, and defined what type of seizure. Hopefully it fixes the problem, if not I will work on it some more. also bump
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Post by LQ-84i Fri Jul 25, 2014 2:50 pm

I shall take the liberty of bumping the thread once more.
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Post by Subverse Sun Aug 03, 2014 9:56 am

You're all gravy. 2/2
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