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Ren ni Kitahara

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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Ren ni Kitahara

Post by Guest Tue May 21, 2013 2:37 am

NAME:
Ren ni Kitahara

AGE:
16

CLASS:
Junior

APPEARANCE:
Tall and skinny, brown eyes with long hair that has bangs to cover the right side of his face, casual out of school clothes usually conist of some random t-shirt and jeans, but school uniform is what he's usually in, just without the white shirt being tucked in.

BACKSTORY:
Born in America with an American mother but native-Japanese dad, an only child but he has a total of five parents. From the breakup of his original two parents to the new step parents and the middle man; his aunt whom he considers his mom though she lives in Japan so he doesn't get to see her often. His mother is emotionally abusive of him, and does not care about him all that much. He's forced to live there by law and only movies with his step dad late at night and video games are the only thing he found happiness. He started writing music, hip-hop raps and making beats; he put himself into that so he could hold back the anger he felt for his mother. One day, when his mother pushed him too far; the cops were there. Already suffering from depression, mom shooed the cops away, and told Ren he was to never live with them again. She sent him to his dad's, who also lived in Japan. So after a long flight over to Japan, he reaches the airport and is taken to his dad's Living with his dad long-term, though nice, never worked out. He complied and aggreed to move there, and once there for a few weeks, asked his dad if he was allowed to live with his aunt. As long as his dad got visiting hours once a week; he was fine with it. They lived near each other, dad in an apartment in the city and the aunt in the outskirts of houses outside. Summer of Sophomore year hits, and our fateful heroine Ren gets in an accident; the kind where losing legs is a trend in it. I guess you could call it a car crash; Ren was walking home from his friend's house; it was dark. Not raining; no need for cliche's here. But to put in simple; a drunk driver hit Ren and just about demolished his legs. Like literally; had to get them stitched up and have prostetics. With the switching of which prosetic legs to be used not exactly being easy, his American mom with her random Internet research found Yamaku and called, told them the whole story. Ren wasn't really affected by the loss of his legs in an emotional way, greatly hindered physically considering he used to parkour just about everywhere to relieve stress. But now that wasn't possible, or was "greatly unadvised" by the doctor. So he was transfered to Yamaku mid-year since the surgeries took awhile, and with the choice to live on or off campus; he chose the apartments near there.

PERSONALITY:
Ren always seems distant from the world, in a way. Like he's there, but he has trouble talking to people sometimes. After the accident; he started just becoming this totally new person(a).And since then, is jokey (and a little pervy with jokes if around the right crowd of people who are OK with that) but when talking in a normal or serious way, has a hard time giving answers that aren't vague. He teeters between understandable and downright ludacris. Though he appears perfectly normal when you see him.

Guest
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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Re: Ren ni Kitahara

Post by Raiden Tue May 21, 2013 3:13 am

I've got several problems with this:

1) First and foremost, I'll have you completely rewrite his backstory and appearance. It's not the substance that's the issue here (though it's not without its problems - we'll get to them later), it's the style. You're writing WAY too informally. Sentences like "And our fateful heroine Ren gets in an accident; the kind where losing legs is a trend in it. I guess you could call it a car crash" have no place in a profile. This particular example needs to sounds something like "One night, Ren got into a car accident which left his legs completely shattered" - short, simple and to the point. I'll need you to rework the entire profile like that. There's a time and place for you to show us how cleverly you can use words, but this isn't it.

2) "Ren Ni Kitahara" is not a real name. You must change it to Ren Kitahara.

3) "He's forced to live there by law" - no, he isn't, American laws don't work like that. If he reports her as abusive, and the subsequent investigation proves that's the case, her custody will be taken away. Plug that plot hole.

4) You make absolutely no mention of Ren's social life. How close was he with his friends? Did he have any? What about his romantic life? You also make very little mention of his hobbies and interests. This is extremely important information that should not be omitted.

5) You make absolutely no mention of Ren's life after the accident. I'm assuming he'd be immobilized and hospitalized for months. How did he bear with that? Also, you make no mention of the kind of prosthetics he has. Are they the classical "bulky" type that require him to be in a wheelchair at all times? Are they the thinner ones which enable him to walk with a cane? Or are they the spring-like ones, like those Emi has? This is one of the most important things you need to specify, as it defines a huge part of your character (namely - the way he moves).

Make the edits me and the other admins require of you, then bump up the thread and we'll take another look.
Raiden
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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Re: Ren ni Kitahara

Post by LQ-84i Tue May 21, 2013 3:40 am

I have also noted several issues with this profile. I am not sure a sixteen year old could possibly live off site, is he with his father or his aunt offsite, and even still how was he cleared to be offsite, I highly doubt it. I just don't know how a sixteen year old without employment take care of himself just yet. Even his music probably wouldn't even sustain him. Since he's at Yamaku now, I'm quite sure they would ask him to be on campus, just rules and regulations of the School. I am sure the school would not allow that.

Also how was his early life... his school life even? I mean, sometimes a terrible home life can be sort of made smooth with an okay school life, or make the whole thing worse. I just want all the plot holes mentioned closed and this to be substantial and sensible. We want to know how he got here and it needs to make sense. Also Raiden is correct, American laws don't work that way, at all.


As Raiden had mentioned, when making a profile, you need to write it in a structured format so we can understand it better. This isn't the time to write this way and it should be treated a bit differently. It's an application, so think of it as such.


If he's going to have so much turnover in custody and in the amount of parental figures in his life, we'll need details and each and every little detail to explain how these events occurred. If you rather not do that, I suggest you limit turnover to at least three guardian figures. We'll also need to know about how he used to act and this once again involves his social life, maybe since he changed his old friends would note this or how he actually has friends now since he became more active. You can set this up and make it make sense.

As he had mentioned prior, just make the edits we ask of you and you'll be fine.





LQ-84i
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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Re: Ren ni Kitahara

Post by Guest Tue May 21, 2013 7:28 am

*shrugs*
Well, it was worth a shot~

Guest
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Post by NorXTNP Tue May 21, 2013 8:24 am

givin up already? You can just change stuff, we didnt denie the profile or something,we just temporarely rejected it.

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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Re: Ren ni Kitahara

Post by Raiden Tue May 21, 2013 9:33 am

Raiden wrote:
Make the edits me and the other admins require of you, then bump up the thread and we'll take another look.

In case you missed it.
Raiden
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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Re: Ren ni Kitahara

Post by Raiden Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:56 pm

Seeing as this profile wasn't updated for a long time, and the roleplayer's previous response indicated low probability of this happening, the character is denied.
Raiden
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Ren ni Kitahara Empty Re: Ren ni Kitahara

Post by NorXTNP Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:57 pm

DROP IT DROP IT DROOOOOP
THE BANNHAMMER http://www.hamster-joueur.com/images/bannhammer.jpg

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