Takumi Kobayashi

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Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Takumi Kobayashi on Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:16 pm

NAME:  Takumi Kobayashi, often refferred to as "Koby" or "Tak-Tak"

AGE: 17

CLASS: Junior

APPEARANCE: He has short hair, nearly crew cut. He has eyebrows that are well kept and he usually uses them to express any emotion that he is feeling. If and when he has hair (Fall-spring,) He can almost always be found wearing a black beanie that hangs down slightly in the back, not fully conforming to his head. When he isn't forced to wear his uniform, he is usually wearing his Jeans, usually tight/ "skinny" jeans in any color but black. His shirt either a progressive metal band's logo, or a V-neck, preferably white in color. He wears glasses on occasion whenever he's not wearing his contacts. He hates being seen with them on. He is rather fit, and broad shouldered, but still slim. He has strong calves and biceps, but most of the rest of his physiology could be described as "slim." He is always wearing his checkered loafers, or flip-flops, depending on the weather.

BACKSTORY: Takumi grew up in Kyoto, Japan. He is an only child. His childhood was fairly normal despite his parent's divorce when he was just 3 years old. His father moved away, basically falling off the planet, so his mother raised him. He doesn't remember him at all. Their flat was small and full of clutter because his father took almost all of the wealth they had in the family with him. He never really needed for anything; his mother often taking long shifts, extra hours at work, or even not eating at all just to make sure he had a hot meal and clothes on his back at all times. Through all of this struggle he quickly learned he doesn't need a lot of things in his life and helped him to learn the true value of things to keep what he has precious. When he was 6 He had a nasty accident on his bike that resulted in him getting 12 stitches in his chin, as a result of this, his mother is extra-protective of him. She doesn't want to lose one of the only things left that she truly loves. His family is small, his mother only having one sister. He has never met her or his grandparents. In his early childhood he usually went to school, would come home and play some video games, eat, do his homework, play outside with one of the few sports balls he had and then go to bed. He wasn't allowed to be very social for fear of getting hurt or bullied. His life was pretty "vanilla" by all standards. He was pretty sheltered until the age of 12 when his mother married an Australian man that she met at her work a few years prior (She worked at a car rental place). They moved to Byron Bay, NSW Australia. He wasn't too sad about the move since he didn't have many friends or connections to his home city. His life didn't change much aside from his abrupt change of language and climate. He lived in Australia going to the first years of his secondary school. It was rough, because he was  growing up as the only Japanese kid at his school and he had a very odd accent. He didn't fit in a lot so he used music to stand out and express himself. It was the only was he has ever been able to voice his opinion, or even pour out his emotions since no one had ever listened to him before. He picked up the guitar and got a drum kit for his 13th birthday, and has been playing and writing since. He eventually joined a band when he was 15 at his school because he was the only competent drummer they had. He finally felt like he fit in. What he considered his only "true" friends were his bandmates. He didn't get invited out much, nor did they hang out a whole lot, but when they made music together he felt happy and a part of something more than himself. He didn't mind that they had their lives and weren't as focused on it as he was, he just enjoyed the closeness he felt from their cooperative efforts. He doesn't care much for his step-father; mainly because his English has never been good, and he just doesn't seem to have time for him; only for his mother and his Job.

TRAGEDY/AILMENT: The week before his 16th birthday, Takumi was playing in the local practice space his band used and stood up from his set quickly after an intense warm-up. He was alone playing along with the songs through his headphones. As he stood up everything got very blurry almost instantly and he fainted hitting his head off of the bass drum, and knocking-him out cold. Three hours later his mother finally finds him as he had been out of contact that whole time. Rushed to the hospital he was quickly treated for the blood-loss and the gash on his forehead. He only spent 2 days in the hospital. When he went home this same event kept happening every day when he got out of bed in the morning, or when he stood up from sitting/laying. He told his mom about the ailment, and she took him to their family doctor. After a few tests with blood pressure she finally diagnosed him with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). It is a condition that rarely is severe, but it's main symptom is a rapid decrease of blood pressure when one changes body position (Most commonly from sitting to standing.) This is also accompanied by a rapid increase in pulse. His case was getting more and more severe every day. His doctor prescribing fludrocort: A steroid in a 1mg dose per day. Over the past year this has escalated to over 12mg twice a day. The medication itself gives him night terrors, and he often experiences sleep paralysis so he doesn't get much sleep and avoids it at all costs. This is the only medication that he has been prescribed, possibly because it is the only medication that he knew of that did anything for his condition. He has been without his medication only twice both for about a week. Both times within 4 days he has had a major Heart attack. His choice...either to swallow a lot of pills every day, or die. He has a hard time doing any cardio, but that doesn't stop him from still working on music. His family moved back to Japan where he was enrolled into Yamaku because his medication has a tendency to fail...a lot. He needs to be in an environment where he can get the care when he needs it. When he's not in class, he can either be found using his electronic kit in his dorm room, or in the music hall on his actual kit.

PERSONALITY: He is usually quiet not because he isn't super social, but because he's always absorbed into his music. He is either listening to it or thinking about it constantly. He doesn't have many friends because he just kind of blends in and has only been at the school for a few weeks. He hasn't stood out in class nor has he sought anyone out. He seems to be a recluse, but really isn't sure about how to approach anyone around him most of them having visible ailments when he just has to keep taking pills. He has a sharp sense of humor, but can be a real smart-ass when he is annoyed. He tries to get along with anyone he meets and is a very out going guy once he feels comfortable in his environment.


Last edited by Takumi Kobayashi on Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:14 pm; edited 8 times in total
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Takumi Kobayashi

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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Raiden on Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:33 pm

Not a bad profile overall, but I've still got two rather big complaints.

1. Grammar/spelling/formatting. While your profile is far from badly written, it's obvious that you've submitted it without proofreading it. There were lots of misspelled words, missed or unnecessarily added commas, unnecessary capitalizations, etc. Not to mention, the entire profile is in bold, which isn't how it's supposed to look like - only the titles of the different sections are supposed to be in bold, with the rest of it being written in a normal font. Please proof-read it at least twice before updating it.

2. Lack of detail. In the backstory, we don't get nearly enough information about him. The only events you've outlined during his first 12 years (as in, the majority of his life) are that his parents are divorced and he fell from a bike that one time. Needless to say, that's not nearly enough information about him. I would love to know more about his friends, his hobbies, his interests, his relationships with friends and family, etc. Also, when his mother got married again, there's barely a mention of how he took it. Most children his age wouldn't react very well to their sole parent suddenly getting married again, but either way, we've got almost no information about how he acted. Besides all the info about his condition, out of the entire backstory, I only learned two major things about the character - he lived in Australia for a while and he's really into music. That's not nearly enough.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Takumi Kobayashi on Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:58 pm

Hopefully this is a lot better. I tend to use way too many commas. It's an issue. I know.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by LQ-84i on Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:29 pm

Personal Details: [Ruling]: This profile image had been used before by one former member, but since his total output on this board was five posts and hardly had much of an impact, we've allowed this to pass. For future reference, this occurrence is rare being this first of this nature and that we'll won't rule favorably often but on this occasion it is an oversight we'll overlook.

Appearance: What exactly is a "slouchy-beanie" might I ask? Simply asking since I find the phrase awkward.

Grammar: Change the following words to lower case: slim (currently: Slim)

Backstory:

Spelling: [Missing Letter]: "His family is sparse, his mother only having on(e) sister." Also, it may want reorganization, "His family is rather small, his mother only having one sister." Unless of course, Takumi's aunt is also on poor terms with his mother, which then would be sparse indeed with no change.

Grammar: Change the following words to lower case: guitar (currently: Guitar), music (currently: Music hall), secondary (currently: Secondary), stepfather (Currently: Step-Father); vanilla (Currently: Vanilla), sleep paralysis (Currently: Sleep Paralysis. Reason: Not a proper noun.) I added a reason to the last one because it's a common misconception that disease names are proper nouns.

Detail: Better. The section about his syndrome which lacks the unabbreviated name for those without any clue. It affects the heart in some way I am not entirely knowledgeable of. Also, if his medication doesn't seem to be the most effective for him, why hasn't there been an inquiry into receiving a medication that works better for Takumi? I would also like to know how he took being sheltered as much as he has. Did he mind it at all? Did he wish to do more? Did this lead him into music?


Personality: A few aspects of this section such as his social inclinations are only moderately referenced to in the backstory. I would like to point out a sentence that struck me as odd. " He always seeks some for of companionship, whether it be a girlfriend, or a best friend. Both of which he is lacking. That might attribute to his lack of interaction with his fellow school mates." How again is one supposed to get those relationships if one doesn't try to? People don't usually come up to those who tend to waver off alone.


Please bump the thread after you have made the adjustments. We'll know to review it again then. We look forward to seeing from you.


Last edited by SilentFox on Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:32 pm; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : Reserving an edit in case I have to deal with Skitt's Law again.)
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Takumi Kobayashi on Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:40 pm

Bumb

Changed some stuff around, added a bit to the condition and fixed the grammatical errors.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by LQ-84i on Sun Aug 10, 2014 7:00 pm

Approved. 1/2. Please wait for a second administrators opinion before continuing on.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Subverse on Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:51 am

Before I can approve I'd like to know more about his relationship with the band - surely they were close if they played together a lot? It would be nice to know about the few tangible relationships outside of his family.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Takumi Kobayashi on Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:15 pm

Bump,

Added a bit about the band ^_^
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Takumi Kobayashi on Mon Aug 11, 2014 8:49 pm

Bump...?
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by LQ-84i on Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:15 pm

Our other admins usually take some time to return to pending profiles. If there is any trouble reaching them from here, I'll take it upon myself to contact them. Thank you for reminding us.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Takumi Kobayashi on Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:28 pm

Thank you Smile
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

Post by Raiden on Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:57 pm

Approved 2/2.
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Re: Takumi Kobayashi

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