Sanzo Sadow

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Sanzo Sadow

Post by Sanzo Sadow on Sun Nov 10, 2013 8:47 pm

NAME: Sanzo Sadow

AGE: 16

CLASS: Freshman

APPEARANCE: Sanzo is average height for his age, being 5'6". His skin complexion was a normal 'white' complexion.  He has straight purple hair, that covers most of his face in long strands, seperating in the middle, going only down a little past his eyes, but not covering them.  His eye color is purple, the same shade as his hair, and he has an average build.  His apparel starting from the top, is an eyepatch covering his wounded eye.  Next is his brown fur coat, that he always wears outside of his school uniform.  He has dark green gloves, that don't really match the rest of his outfit, but he likes to wear them because his hands often get cold.  His dark brown slacks are just as casual as the rest of his outfit, and he wears black sneakers, because he's not really a huge fan of bright colors, despite his purple hair.

BACKSTORY:
As a kid Sanzo had about 5 or 6 people that he could truly call friend.  He and his friends loved to play video games together, and would often hold competitions to see who was the best.  Though Sanzo wasn't overly competitive, he did enjoy trying to best his friends in these games they'd played.  Sanzo had a healthy relationship with his parents, and they always stood for what he'd believed in, and helped him achieve his goals.  The places they took him were not only for fun, they also helped him realize what he'd wanted to do when he grew up; his dream was to be a history teacher.  Not a lot of kids thought about what they wanted to do, but Sanzo was an exception.  He'd always loved history, and his parents took him to plenty of museums, studying one object after the next.

Sanzo was born in the city of Miyagi on January 14th, 2006, having a population of around 1.5 million.  His parents were both teachers, one being a science teacher and the other being a math teacher, it was only destined that Sanzo would also like to be a teacher; just as his parents.  Taking a strong passion for history, he often went to museums with his parents, who knew of his goal to become a history teacher when he grew older.

3 months after his 13th birthday, he was taken to the WWII museum with his parents; it was a newer museum and had a lot of interactive parts to it.  Some of the exhibits were mechanical, so they had a lot of movement to them; and as a tour guide was explaining what had happened in one of the battles, the exhibit malfunctioned.  A piece of one of the wings of an aircraft had been slightly launched, hitting Sanzo in the face knocking him unconscious.  Immediately after, he was rushed to the hospital which he stayed for two weeks getting operated on and resting after the operations.  His eye was terribly bruised and scarred, it was swolen, and some of the skin around the eye had been removed from the debris, and as a result of it hitting him there, he could no longer see through his eye.

After deciding that he'd not be able to face his friends and everybody in his school again, he was to be home schooled by his parents until his Freshman year.  Sanzo missed his friends a lot, but he was too self conscious to face them again even if he had wanted to say goodbye for a final time.  He thought a lot about them, the times they'd spent together, whether or not they'd missed him, or even if they knew what had happened.  But it was too late to go back, he couldn't face them again.  His damaged eye had other impacts as well, seeing life through one eye had caused some problems, namely because his right eye was his dominant eye.  He felt a lot clumsier after the accident, so he often ran into walls then he didn't notice, and dropped things on top of that.

When freshman year would have came around, he would be transferred to Yamaku academy, as suggested by his doctor.

PERSONALITY:
Sanzo is shy when he doesn't know somebody, but after he's grown accustomed to somebody he can open up pretty easily.  He loves to joke around with people, and has a clean sense of humor.  Sometimes he can go into a rut, and be slightly depressed; only when he thinks about his past and the friends he felt he had to give up to come to this school.  He is always actively looking to make new friends, despite being shy.  He pays attention during class, even though he doesn't have the best of grades, but he still tries to maintain them.  He does extremely well in History class, and he would like to join a club of some kind.


Last edited by Sanzo Sadow on Mon Nov 11, 2013 6:06 am; edited 3 times in total
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by LQ-84i on Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:08 pm

There is a problem that exists in your backstory, that being that it is literally a narrative. There is a time to showcase your skills as a narrative writer but it is not in your profile. If you could write it so that it reads more informally, I'll have little issue accepting it then. You've displayed the effort we'd really want to see from roleplayers and it's written very decently regardless. I am able to approve the backstory in its sensibilities. However, you might want to hold off on edits until another admin convenes. As of now, through precedent, I cannot approve of the approach taken as we've had a case where a roleplayer wrote a similarly prosed backstory and required revision. By that it is meant that it was in narrative form.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Sanzo Sadow on Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:16 pm

SilentFox wrote:There is a problem that exists in your backstory, that being that it is literally a narrative. There is a time to showcase your skills as a narrative writer but it is not in your profile. If you could write it so that it reads more informally, I'll have little issue accepting it then. You've displayed the effort we'd really want to see from roleplayers and it's written very decently regardless. I am able to approve the backstory in its sensibilities. However, you might want to hold off on edits until another admin convenes. As of now, through precedent, I cannot approve of the approach taken as we've had a case where a roleplayer wrote a similarly prosed backstory and required revision. By that it is meant that it was in narrative form.
So I should probably re-write the backstory as not a narrative? That doesn't seem to be too big of a problem, as far as I know.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by LQ-84i on Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:19 pm

If you wouldn't mind, it would cause less contention for us. That would be very welcome.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Subverse on Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:34 pm

I agree with what has already been said; but I think the backstory is missing quite a lot. You need to include as much information about the character as possible; we don't know where he comes from; what his parents worked as, I assume teachers seeing as they tutored him; what happened with his relationship with his friends after he suddenly left school; how his eye looked or affected his day-to-day life; things like that. Revise these and then I can approve it.

I'd also like to point out that Yamaku has an elementary school if you want to send him there and become an elementary student.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Subverse on Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:38 pm

It has been brought to my attention that I didn't explain myself clearly; when I mentioned about the elementary school I was talking about the time in which he was homeschooled; not that he should become a 16 year old elementary school student...
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by LQ-84i on Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:40 pm

That was another issue I had with the style, a narrative obfusicates what I usually look for. It was missing information but it would be simpler to revise if it wasn't in that format. Good eye, Subverse.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Sanzo Sadow on Mon Nov 11, 2013 3:20 am

Thanks guys! I'll work on it now! I'm super excited to be RPing here when I fix this up!

EDIT: My main post has been revised!
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by LQ-84i on Mon Nov 11, 2013 4:56 am

Simply noting this as I've told a member before about this, but phrases such as "...neither too athletic or overweight..." in context is redundant as you've already let us know that he is of an average build. For the fact that he didn't have a lot of friends but wasn't completely lacking, try your best to modify that in a more moderately precise term. After doing this, I can approve it.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Sanzo Sadow on Mon Nov 11, 2013 5:03 am

SilentFox wrote:Simply noting this as I've told a member before about this, but phrases such as "...neither too athletic or overweight..." in context is redundant as you've already let us know that he is of an average build. For the fact that he didn't have a lot of friends but wasn't completely lacking, try your best to modify that in a more moderately precise term. After doing this, I can approve it.
Edited that as well. ^^ let me know if there's anything else I could fix!
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by LQ-84i on Mon Nov 11, 2013 5:59 am

Nix that, you have one more occasion in the description where it states he was neither pale nor tan.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Sanzo Sadow on Mon Nov 11, 2013 6:06 am

SilentFox wrote:Nix that, you have one more occasion in the description where it states he was neither pale nor tan.
That's embarrassing. ^^; fixed it again.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by LQ-84i on Mon Nov 11, 2013 6:08 am

1/2 approved, please wait for another admin's approval before continung on.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

Post by Subverse on Mon Nov 11, 2013 11:21 am

I see no further problems, approved.

Feel free to roleplay now, and welcome to the community.
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Re: Sanzo Sadow

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