[Open] Feel So Low

My hand remained outstretched to the sky in a permanent photo-freeze frame wave to the car carrying my sister Chika with my disappointed parents sitting in the front seat. Drifting out of sight into the night. My hand slumps down to my side and a borrowing hollowness fills my stomach and numbs my mind. I turn around and take labored steps toward the main building, up to the rooftop with my guitar in hand. For each apang of guilt assaults me for my year and a half mistreatment of my sister. I stop and shake my head before going over to the faded mural wall.

So see how long I can last
You can pretend that I don't exist for you

I tried to apologize.

She merely brushed her hair, which had been grown out, out of her face and waited for the car to arrive, tapping her foot.

Thanks.

A sardonic, scathing utterance.

And I can laugh about it now
But I hated every minute
I was waiting for your email
And each day that you forgot to call
Just made me feel so low
So low

The constellations greeted me with a Sabbath in which they all rested, leaving the sky black. The casket hits the floor and the rain falls from the deadened sky as I raise my instrument and play. No narcotics in my brain can numb this away.

<So much is going on, and so little I can do. What could I have done but add to the count? Will they see tommorow? Do I even deserve to?>
Chiharu wandered through the courtyard as the crack of thunder assaulted her and signaled the beginning of the falling of the rain. Even though, as the rain covered the ground, it filled her mind with chaos, she did not react or run. She simply let the pain take its course.

Walking through pandemonium, she found a beacon of calm clarity. A boy, sitting in the rain, playing music as if there was nothing around him. The disbelief of his existence drove her towards him, where she found a place upon the grass to rest, paying him no greeting or heed, just allowing him to continue his harmony.

I eventually let my hand slacken until I was strumming silence then stopping my hand movements all together, staring at the drenched ground and listening to the screaming sky. I sort of freefall onto my back and the rain pellets my face as I close my eyes, sighing and taking meditative breaths. By the time, I open my eyes, I am a bit calmer. I know there's a presence in close vicinity; my eyes slide to the girl next to him,who is looking ahead with a coup d' etat of overwhelming thoughts fighting for priority in her expression.

I scope her for a few long seconds to a minute and wryly say to her, probably the most ironic thing I have ever said in my life: "You'll catch your death if you stay out here in the rain for such a long period, you know."

Chiharu snaps her focus to the boy and stares at him for a moment as her mind is wrenched back to reality, yet he remains there. Her surprise is contained within her mind, for her face is blank as she says, "Won't you as well?"

"Ah...but a pretty face like yours is no good six feet under and as for me I'm washing away my sins. And most likely to conserve said "pretty face", you have probably taken a shower and washed it thoroughly whereas I haven't."

I chortle lightly like a old-fashioned Eastern European man of cultured antiquity. An English Vladimir Nabokov. Depending on what side of Russia he hails from.

Closing her eyes and turning back to face the sky, Chiharu speaks with the same matter of fact tone.

"I'm afraid it will take much more than water to wash away regrets."

"I'm already ahead of you; I found a way to acquire quite seasoned and potent alcoholic beverages for my drowning."

I scratch my nose and sit up, stretching my body.

"What is your trauma? No sane woman would roam through the rain and listen to a sullen lad's folk melodies. Rather than play the stoic trope, I would think discussing the issue would help. It's noticeable."

<He has a point, and a drink doesn't sound so bad right about now. I really shouldn't make a habit of this.>
After a moment of silent deliberation, chiharu lets out a smirk before sitting up along side the boy and saying jokingly, "Shall we take this conversation somewhere a bit less crowded?" while motioning with her arm to the completely desolate courtyard surrounding them.

I squint my eyes slightly and nod with approval.

"Now, I know I'm in fine company."

I stand up and lend you a hand as if asking for a go at a nice waltz on a ballroom floor, palm up and arm extended toward her lowered position.

"However, we should get out of the downpour already. Any ideas on a "less crowded" area we can converse in?"

Looking up at the boy, chiharu closes her eyes for a second of heavy breaths followed by one last sigh, wincing as if she was pushing through something. <Come on, just ignore it. It'll be done with soon>
Afterwhich she opens up her eyes and takes his hand. Once standing again, still standing, she says in an almost wistful tone, "The school, the dorms, anywhere but down really, would work."

I retract my hand after I her up, eyeing her closely but making no immediate remark. I slowly begin to walk towards the dorms.

"Just for future reference, I'm Nicholas. And you are, lass?"

While walking alongside him, she glances over to him and simply states, "Chiharu."

"Chiharu. Good, good... Now, Chiharu, what exactly....uh...what brings you out here? Just 5 seconds ago, your expression looked awfully downcast which I'm assuming from your current demeanor, is not of the usual status quo. Before that you had a troubled expression in which I could see a maelstrom of things..."

I cut myself off, feeling that I'm rambling on and turn my gaze to the stars.

<I said goodbye to about thirty people who are more than likely dying at this very moment. And I may have been able to help>
"I'm not entirely sure. You were right, a sane person wouldn't be out here. Do You have a reason for your insanity? You were out playing music to a thankless sky before I came along."

"I think that is bullshit but I won't pry any further."

I peer down at my guitar and look up at you with an odd, bemused expression.

"I just had said goodbye to my sister beforehand because she's transferring schools and for the two years that I have been here I have treated her awfully. We used to be very close. So, I just was out of it...sat down, started playing music."

Chiharu looks ahead and begins speaking in a tired tone.
"It's been so long since I've played... I really do miss it.. I'm probably going to be missing alot o-"
Her speech is then abruptly cut short when she clutches the boy's arm while also grasping hair at the back of her head and looking towards the ground as she lets out a small constrained gasp of pain.

"O-oi!"

I cease movement immediately and hold her with cautious hands, grimacing.

"What's come over you? You need the nurse? Ah, bloody fucking- Come on!"

I start gently leading her back towards the main building to the nurse's office.

Holding a firm hand over his shoulder, and another pointing forward, she resists his guidance while speaking in a quiet yet clear tone.
"No! n-no, just.. *Breath* the dorms are closer. We, just need to get out of this shit..."

She then looks up to him. It's obvious that she is, in pain, pleading with him, and sorry for puting this on him.

"Please.."

I stare in your pleading eyes for a brief moment and then without saying a word, I shoulder you, you putting your arms around my shoulders and neck, and lift you up a bit on my back. I make sure you're secure and I hurry the best I can toward the dorms, to escape the bullets of rain, rippling at us like the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. I let her down to open the door and tug her in, out of the downpour, which, immediately becomes distant in volume once the door closes.

I take breaths as I look outside for a minute and finally, I turn to her. She's leaned up against the wall.

Leaning her head back, her eyes wander slowly and completely aimlessly before she closes them and lets herself slide down the wall to a sitting position, keeping her eyes closed.

Then she slowly begins to chuckle, which eventually evolves into full out laughter.

"Bloody fucking? Really!?! I hope you don't say that to every girl you meet."

I snort and look elsewhere, my cheeks tinged with scarlet indignation before shaking my head, and beginning to chuckle.

"Relax. I'm a total sir when dealing with the female gender. Especially on my sociology and aesthetics essays which is the only situation in which I deal with them. They're the same as any other human being."

The smile on her face fades slightly for the moment that she opens her eyes only to stare blankly forward before slowly closing them again. As she lets out a quiet sigh, a soft smile and raised eyebrows appear while she speaks.

"So what was different about your sister?"

I sigh and look up toward the ceiling.

"My sister.... She's younger than me and can be chock full of mania. But she's much more mature and loving than I am. I...uh...I wasn't the way I am now before I came here. I was extremely reclusive, incredibly pessimistic and very, very sensitive. I would let things within me build until I would have these....attacks, panic attacks or anxiety attacks and I would have these terrible break downs. My parents couldn't get anything out of me and rather than my first words being Mother and Father, I spoke Chika. We had a very deep connection with her and we would spend every day together, playing music amongst other things. She....erm..."

I shift uncomfortably and look up, biting my lip.

"She told me she was in love with me. And uh...tried to....get through to me in quite an odd way....to put it simply. I freaked out and went mad on her. Made her cry. And I just kept going and going and going...."

Even though she couldn't see the look on his face, she could definitely hear it in his voice. Her demeanor turned to a much more serious and concerned visage.
"It's not your fault, that she left. You know that, right?.. I mean, your actions may not have been justified, but still... she was the one that decided... and, that's just not how things are supposed to work, you know?"

"But who made those rules. Who said things are not supposed to work like that? Morals? Taboos? Bah!"

I lean towards you and stop about an inch from her face.

"Morals and taboos and...and...rules and regulations.... They don't exist. We're just conditioned to believe they do. Just like right or wrong: perception is reality but ONLY to the person who is perceiving Thus, she is....she's fine. Chika's departure was my fault plain and simple,cause and effect."